To Solve or not to Solve?

The other day my daughter described something in her life that sounded like a problem. When she finished I remained quiet, processing what she’d said. She then went on to say, “You don’t need to solve it, I just needed to say it.” I was quite relieved! I had been thinking, “I don’t know what to suggest. What should I say?” 

Her talking through the issue, and me hearing her, was far more important than her getting a solution at that point in time. For many of us that is a strange way of thinking. We are accustomed to going straight into solution mode.

Very often better solutions would be found if we first allowed more time for people to express their needs and feelings. We could be more helpful by asking some questions which focussed their thoughts. And, in giving them the time to think out loud, they may find their own solution, or just the acceptance of what is.  This applies both at home and at work.

During a workshop I was facilitating for managers we practised Fierce Conversations. These are structured conversations that allow us to confront tough issues with courage, compassion and skill.

In this ten step method we name the issue in step one but we only talk about any sort of solution in step nine!

The delegates really struggled with this. They kept jumping to the solution before clarifying how they felt about it, or what was at stake, or eliciting the other person’s viewpoint. They also wanted to present the other person with the solution instead of allowing them to make suggestions.

If the problem is ‘solved’ in this manner the opportunity to be aware of alternative perspectives is missed. The other person hasn’t developed any of their own problem solving skills. And very often they are unwilling to change their behaviour to adopt your chosen solution. 

I myself am a solution oriented person. I have had to work very hard at listening, asking appropriate questions and allowing others to find answers for themselves. However the results when I get it right are so exciting. The other person feels so much better about their own abilities, they often come up with amazing ideas and they are far more likely to go ahead and implement those ideas with enthusiasm.

There are of course times when you are in fact responsible for finding a solution, especially in a work environment. Even then the results maybe better if you involve a group of people in the discussion to find a solution. Letting go of the need to always have the solutions can be a big relief.

A possible new approach is:

Does this situation require a solution?

NO - Then I can simply listen with empathy.

OR YES - Then is it really necessary for me to solve it all by myself

   YES - Solve it!

   NO - What questions can I ask? (which will help the other person, or a group of us, to come up with some ideas to explore)

Take the pressure off yourself

“You don’t look yourself,” was the greeting from a friend on meeting me for our final committee meeting of the year. “I am tired,” I replied. “The last couple of weeks I have just been chasing my tail and barely meeting deadlines.” As I said it, it struck me that this was most unusual for me. What had gone wrong?

Into my head came a picture of Stephen Covey’s four quadrants.

Ideally we should spend most of our time doing activities that fall into Quadrant 2 – important but not yet urgent.

I had instead slipped into being in Quadrant 1 – important and urgent.

I haven’t done that for many years. I make a point of planning and prioritising, of saying No when necessary and of remaining in the moment rather than worrying about what may be coming. However somehow that went pear shaped at the beginning of December. By the time I realised what I had done I was feeling drained and dissatisfied.

I am now back in Quadrant 2 and feeling so much better.

If two weeks of that made me so tired, what do months and months of it do to us? And what’s more it is an unproductive space, so all that stress and strain is achieving even less.

Perhaps this is a good time for each of us to evaluate where we are working from and if that isn’t a productive, enjoyable space to make a plan to change it now?

(Originally written in December 2011)

Getting on with people

“Achieving success at work & in life, one conversation at a time”. This is the sub title of a book called “Fierce Conversations” that I am reading. Robust conversations are very important but I’d like to paraphrase Susan Scott and say “Achieving success at work & in life, one relationship at a time”.

I know many people who are highly successful at work or in business, essentially because they get on with pretty much everyone. When I see children at school who are at ease with their peers and with their teachers I think “they have a bright future ahead of them.” And when I meet very smart people who can’t relate to others I am sad that they may well struggle to succeed and their potential could be wasted.

One of the quadrants of the Leader Management Framework is People Connection. Without this connection a leader manager may well produce some results, but the staff will never work as effectively as they would have if the people connection was there.

There are many aspects to connecting with people. Some important ones are building trust, communicating effectively and valuing people. At a more basic level we need to understand people and that starts with understanding ourselves.

I have been working with a couple, whose already poor relationship has been severely strained by changed circumstances. They have been married for about thirty years and yet they have no understanding of each other’s different personality, different needs and different communication styles. Until they improve their understanding and acceptance of each other they can’t move forward.

Some of us are lucky and have somehow done that unconsciously. What can the rest of us do? Observe and learn, with a little help from books, talks or workshops.

Start by understanding your own behaviour, reactions and needs better. Become an observer of yourself. Notice what you do and how you feel, and ask yourself why.

And then do the same with those around you. Notice how people respond to you and to other people, and think about why. Adjust your behaviour towards them (whilst remaining authentic) and see if you get different responses.

Try to recognise their needs, and if appropriate meet that need. What response do you get?

There are many excellent, easy to read books which can increase your understanding. There is a list on my website (“Personality Plus”, in particular, is a very funny read).

Or you can learn in a much more informal environment. Watching movies or live shows, and reading novels, are great fun ways to study human dynamics - as most of them are all about people!

The Right Timing

A client in a senior management position recently came to me for a couple of sessions after being over looked for a promotion. Her boss told her that although she was highly qualified and did very good work, she “didn’t make her presence felt” in meetings or workshops, so no one noticed her.

This client made excellent progress over her three sessions. In fact between her initial phone call to me and her first appointment, she had already experimented with speaking up in a meeting. She was so surprised that she could do it and at how well she was received!

After experiencing the fulfilment of being more involved and recognised, she said she wished she had come to see me years ago. I replied, “That may have been good but you also may not have been ready to make the small but necessary changes in yourself. We all grow when the timing is right.”

A couple of days ago a 20 year old, contemplating a choice between continuing their current studies or changing institutions, told me “staying where I am is safe, but I am feeling it is time for another big jump.” A lot of young people are more attuned than we perhaps were. They are ready to take brave leaps if we are supportive or simply get out of their way.

Have you experienced tackling a project where nothing seems to go right, no matter how hard you try? And perhaps you end up leaving it. Sometime later you pick it up and try again – and it all falls into place, almost effortlessly.

There are other times when the little clues tell you to do something but it feels scary and we argue ourselves out of it. If the plant doesn’t flower when the Spring conditions are just right, it may have to wait a full year to have another chance. Keep yourself open and alert to the opportunities and clues that come your way – people you meet, things you read, a word you hear. And when you feel that urge, be brave and go with it.

If we listen to our wisdom, whilst being open to opportunities, everything will happen, when it should – not too soon and not too late.

First acknowledge the problem

“Resolved. No fault found.” was the response from City Power when I reported that two out of three of our electricity phases had cut out the night before. I could have screamed. Well if there is no fault why do half our lights, most of our plugs and our geyser not work?

“Billing crisis. What billing crisis?” responded Johannesburg’s Mayor and the ratepayers couldn’t believe their ears. If there is no billing problem why do so many of us receive outrageous utility bills, no statements for months, accounts for the wrong properties?

Time after time we see people denying problems exist – in the public realm, at work and at home. Ignoring a problem hardly ever makes it go away. Instead it often leads to frustration and an escalation of the problem.

Things go wrong, mistakes are made, problems happen. It is all part of life. And most of them do need to be fixed - the sooner, the better. But we cannot fix what we don’t acknowledge.

Effective problem solving is a skill which begins with recognising the problem, followed by finding the root cause, considering a variety of solutions and their consequences, making a decision and then taking action. It is a skill which serves us well at work and in life.

How effective are you at the five steps of problem solving?

Flexibility

A bit of recent good news made me think how easily the outcome could have been different.
 

A little over a year ago, a young 16 year old enthusiastically participated in pre season rugby training hoping to make the First team. But he wasn’t selected for the squad. This squad would later become the first and second teams for the season.

He was disappointed, but after a couple of days he asked the coach if he could please continue to train with the squad for the experience alone.

When the season began he was placed in the 3^rd team. After a few games a player in the Seconds was unfortunately injured. Our young player got an opportunity to take his place for the rest of the season.

This year he did make the cut for the first squad and was selected for the Firsts.

And just last week, the now 17 year old, was announced as Vice Captain for the Golden Lions Craven Week team (provincial school age rugby).

I wonder if he’d have got this far if he hadn’t pushed for the extra training a year before?

And one more quick story.

A second year dance student had her heart set on performing at the Grahamstown National Arts Festival last year. However she wasn’t cast in any of the three pieces. All those not in the cast were told they could still attend rehearsals if they wished, and a few chose to do so.

Our young dancer worked at all the dances, hoping to be an understudy. When the final touring cast, including understudies, was announced she wasn’t in it.

However she continued to attend rehearsals. A couple of weeks before the Festival one of the cast members pulled out and the young dancer was asked to take her place.

In the new Dance Season, which followed the tour, she got to perform not only the touring pieces but all the new ones as well.

How different would the year have been if she had given up after the first setback?

 

Most of us have experienced obstacles on the way to a goal. When that happens do you only see one blocked path? Do you give up?

Sometimes we need to be like the young people in the stories above - creative, flexible, give a bit more of ourselves without a guarantee of reward. And perhaps we can still reach that goal, all be it along a different path.

Pushing back

“Why isn’t the work we agreed on finished?” “Bess from dept A asked me to extract some data for her and Jim from Dept B needed graphs prepared”. Does this happen to you or to people you work or live with?

In 2002 I was managing a team at SARS. I found that because my staff had a reputation for being able to provide answers and deliver, they were constantly interrupted with requests. With the result that they had to work overtime to keep up with their own work, sometimes fell behind and were feeling stressed. I called a meeting and we discussed what was happening. They were all helpful people who felt guilty to say No to anyone who asked them nicely.

So we set some new rules (or boundaries). I would let the departments we supported know that we would be planning our week’s work on Monday mornings. Anything they required from us was to be communicated to me by the previous Friday (or very early on Monday morning). Anything not so requested would stand over for scheduling the following week.

My team agreed that they were answerable to our schedule before anyone else’s. If someone asked them for something during the week they learnt to say “No” in a nice way such as “I’d love to help you once I have finished all of this week’s work” or “If you give the request to Alison I am sure she will schedule it for you.”

Naturally there were emergencies and we did make adjustments to accommodate the legitimate ones, but for the most part after a few weeks everyone pretty much cooperated with us.

The result was a happier, fulfilled, engaged team delivering on time and getting through even more work than they’d ever done previously.

All of us have a need for boundaries in some aspect of our life. Without them our values, needs and priorities get subjugated by those of everyone else. We lose sight of what is important, suffer health problems, miss important events with loved ones. Some of us do too much for others. We think we are helping but we are denying them the opportunity to be strong.

Think about how you could modify what we did at SARS to help you in your own circumstances.

Don't give up on the child with poor marks

Parent's Evening during the early grades always went the same way. "Your son is mischievous, he isn't working to his potential. But he is such a delightful boy. I love teaching him."

In Gr 3 his teacher said there could be a problem with his reading. As an ex optometrist I knew quite a bit about child development and perceptual problems. I took him to various professionals to check vision, hearing etc. and for extra reading lessons. An OT offered some hope. She said his right and left brain weren't connecting well. But as he was already good at judo, swimming and gymnastics she struggled to find any activities that brought about more integration.

By early Gr 5 his marks were on a slippery slide downhill. We had a meeting with his teachers but they said we expected too much of him. "He isn't like his older sister. He just needs to apply himself a bit better. He'll end up a fair 60 percenter." I knew that wasn't true. He was sometimes quite brilliant.

We wanted him to change schools and he wanted to stay. So we said it was up to him to turn his marks around.

Then we stumbled across a person who could assess his brain dominance profile. The profile showed us the strange way in which he processed information and that when stressed his brain "closed down" - information couldn't go in or out. The practitioner was able to show him that he wasn't stupid. He needed to do things like using colours, sitting where he couldn't be distracted easily and having a ball of prestick handy to fiddle with. He also had some Tomatis therapy to stimulate the brain integration.

From this point onwards his self confidence began recovering, he learnt ways to calm himself and to work with, instead of against, his own style. He was also lucky to have a couple of terrific subject teachers the following year. His marks picked up and by the end of Gr 7 he won the award for top Technology student.

One of those terrific teachers was an ex headmaster with many years of experience. At prize giving I went to thank him. He said "Your son still hasn't reached his real potential. Just wait. He will come into his own in Gr 11/12."

This year he is in Gr 11 working towards a fully academic matric. Today the first term reports were issued. His results - two A's and an A+ and two more A's knocking at the door!


An update from 2021: This boy is now a young man with an honours degree plus a further post grad qualification earned cum laude. He is a leader, a sportsman, enjoys good social relationships, is moving into his second career and truly lives his life.

Creating Energy

Yes I remember the Law of Conservation of Energy - 'energy cannot be created or destroyed' - but we can create personal energy, or decrease our personal energy.

There are four types of energy – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. When we understand how to work with these four we can have more energy.

Each type needs to be exercised just like a muscle. To increase fitness an athlete uses interval training. Pushing themselves beyond the comfortable level and then taking a short break for recovery and then pushing again. Each of our energy types needs to be fully used (pushed) but also given breaks.

However we often under utilise some of our energy areas and over utilise others. Either way we cause ourselves to be unfit - lacking in personal energy.

If you have a low to average physical fitness level think how good you feel when you have made yourself do a small session at the gym or played a light game of squash or taken a brisk walk. You have used that physical energy system and you now feel better for it. However if you over do it you will feel depleted for the rest of the day.

Physical energy is found in any form of exercise and includes healthy eating; mental energy is all about thinking, using our brains; eEmotional energy is about experiencing emotional highs or lows and spiritual energy comes from anything which lifts the soul.

If you need more energy check which of your energy systems you are over stretching and try to give them some breaks. At the same time look to those that are being under utilised and put some focus into using them.

Generally it is easiest to build energy through the physical and spiritual systems. Physically do a bit more regular exercise than you normally do or for spiritual energy do anything that makes your soul sing - have a massage, sit and listen to a fountain or watch a bird building a nest. Or combine them and take a walk across a meadow!

What do you do to build your energy levels?

Living Life to the Full

My friend, Rob Filmer, died in November this year at the age of 46. Reading the many condolences sent to his wife, Julie and talking to people at the beautiful funeral service I was struck by the huge number of people who had been touched by Rob during that relatively short life. Tributes written on the internet by people such as Clem Sunter reminded me of Rob’s many achievements in the fields of conservation and of disability access and integration. I commented to Julie that Rob achieved in his 46 years more than many people do in a lifetime twice as long.

It set me to wondering why. Perhaps it would have been that way no matter what Rob’s health and life expectancy had been? Perhaps it was also heightened by his knowing that he was always on borrowed time?

Rob was diagnosed with diabetes before he turned two. The doctors thought he would be fortunate to reach his twenties. In his late twenties he and Julie married with the doctors saying he only had a year to live. Together they enjoyed seventeen special years living and working together.

We all know that we have a limited life span but we don’t often pay too much attention. There is an old coaching question that asks “What legacy would you like to leave behind?” or “What do you think your eulogy will be?” A friend, a little older than me, told me how she was sat at her brother’s funeral listening to his eulogy when she thought of what hers would sound like - and she didn’t like what she heard! It was such a defining moment for her that she resigned from her job and recreated herself completely.

This is a good time of year for us to focus on living our lives to the full. Without being morbid, focus on living your life in a way that would leave few regrets. Spend time on yourself so you are strong and can give of yourself to others, spend time with loved ones, either choose to enjoy the work you have or the life you live, or take action to bring about the changes you want to see.

Focus and Perseverance

My 15 year old son just called to say he has been awarded a team blazer for athletics. At his school this is a huge honour, especially for grade 10's.

He has the most amazing ability to make up his mind to do something and then to keep working steadily towards it.

Athletics has never been his main sport but before this season began he determined that if he worked hard at his times he had the possibility of earning the cherished team blazer.

He learnt to hurdle for the first time and immediately made the 300m distance his with a silver placing - competing against under 19's as this is only a senior's race. He did his best for the team with the 100m hurdles, inspiring others to improve themselves and so take over from him in this less suited distance. And he put his heart into the 400m flat race, steadily increasing his speed until getting within .06s of the school record.

Throughout the season he struggled with the pain of shin splints from a combination of high training levels and some poor structuring in his own body which required physio and additional rehabilitative exercises. Because he wasn't a senior he sometimes had to give up his place in the 300m hurdles to an older but slower athlete. Throughout the disappointments and the pain and the hard work he never lost sight of the goal - without hurting anyone else he just kept at it.

I am humbled by his focus and perseverance. The recognition is well deserved.

The Story of the Butterfly

I often tell this story when working with people.
Many find it  helps them to accept that others have their own growth paths to walk - that often we can best help our children, family, friends by being supportive and encouraging but NOT interfering.


A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.

The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.


Thanks to www.motivational-well-being.com for the written version.

Fitting it all in

Emma Thompson (writer, actress) shared her view on balancing career, family and hobby in an interview on channel24 today. Her answer is so pragmatic - I just loved it.

She was asked “How to balance your career and being a mother with your activism? You’re involved with a number of campaigns, supporting refugees and the opposition to a third runway at Heathrow Airport.”

She replied “Well I just try and parcel it out and say ‘what can I manage in this month…’ Like if I’ve got a deadline or I know, for instance, this month I’ll be away a lot because I’m promoting Nanny McPhee and I’m also taking the family on holiday, so I say ‘what can I achieve?’ and then cut my cloth accordingly. It’s just a bit of a balancing act really and unfortunately it does mean that I say ‘no’ a lot. But you know, I hit my 50th last year and you think to yourself ‘I have to choose very carefully what I do and make sure that it’s important..’ (read the entire interview here)

That last sentence ‘I have to choose very carefully what I do and make sure that it’s important..’ sums up the key to taking control of your life so succinctly. Now all you have to do is put it into practice :-).

1. Let go of the expectation that you need to do everything
2. Identify your values and your priorities
3. Generate personal energy (increases capacity)
4. Develop ritual habits (increases capacity)
5. Simplify your life
6. Learn to say “no”
7. Work from quadrant two – important, not yet urgent
8. Plan your week and your day (max 3 – 6 priorities per day)
9. Use your time efficiently
10. Be in the moment

Have fun

If you want more help with this come along to one of our workshops “Take control of your life” or “Help, I’m a yes-addict”. There is one this Saturday and the other next week Saturday.