A Life in Balance?

Three years ago on the 27th December Lynn’s car veered off the highway, took flight, crashed through a signboard and landed in a crumpled heap on the grass bank. Lynn* sustained some physical injuries as well as a severe head injury. She has just received her final medico-legal report stating that she will never be able to work again, whether full or part time.



Lynn is one of the people I work with through Headway. Over the years she has spoken about returning to her previous employment. When she told me about the report I thought she was unhappy. But the report wasn’t the cause of her mood. She was feeling down because she can’t afford to host a Xmas dinner for her family. Lynn then went on to say, “I am happy not working. I am enjoying my life. Before the accident I put work before everything else in my life. Even if a friend from out of town came to stay with me I would first take time to finish off work on my laptop. Now I belong to a bible study group, I read and I talk to my neighbours. I thank God that he stopped me, took me back to being like a 7 year old and gave me the chance to rebuild myself differently.”


Perhaps Lynn is right. Her life was way out of balance and it needed the accident to bring about change. If so it was a drastic way of doing it.


Is your balance between ‘me’ time, ‘us’ time and ‘work’ time appropriate for this stage of your life?


Do you have opportunities for creative activities – tinkering with a motor bike, making a funny face out of twigs and leaves, laying the table with a special touch?


Do you make time for physical exertion – a walk, stretches, a horse ride or squash game?


Is there soul food in your life – things that makes you feel uplifted, energized, full and happy inside?


Are there little times in the day when you empty your mind of “doing stuff” and get in touch with the real you?


Do you laugh often – with friends, reading or watching a movie?


When you include these things in your life you reenergise yourself.


Have you wondered how some people have much more energy than others? The energetic ones have found the way to harness their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional energies. They ensure that each one gets enough exercise plus a little extra, a short break and then more exercise - interval training to generate more energy.


A year end is a great time to reflect on our lives.


A great opportunity to make choices, to make changes.


Build into your day little 5, 10, 15 minute pockets of time for the things you need to do to give all four ‘muscles’ their exercise. Maybe 5 minutes sitting on the stoep watching the sky lighten and listening to the birds before work, 10 minutes walking up and down a few flights of stairs with a colleague at mid morning, 20 minutes reading a book whilst eating a salad at lunchtime, 5 minutes of desk stretches in the afternoon, a quick call to a friend on your way home (use a hands free) and then invite your teenager to walk the dog with you.


Take control of your life. Plan it and live it the way you wish to.


(*Name changed to protect privacy)

Originally written as a BBI in Dec 2007

To Solve or not to Solve?

The other day my daughter described something in her life that sounded like a problem. When she finished I remained quiet, processing what she’d said. She then went on to say, “You don’t need to solve it, I just needed to say it.” I was quite relieved! I had been thinking, “I don’t know what to suggest. What should I say?” 

Her talking through the issue, and me hearing her, was far more important than her getting a solution at that point in time. For many of us that is a strange way of thinking. We are accustomed to going straight into solution mode.

Very often better solutions would be found if we first allowed more time for people to express their needs and feelings. We could be more helpful by asking some questions which focussed their thoughts. And, in giving them the time to think out loud, they may find their own solution, or just the acceptance of what is.  This applies both at home and at work.

During a workshop I was facilitating for managers we practised Fierce Conversations. These are structured conversations that allow us to confront tough issues with courage, compassion and skill.

In this ten step method we name the issue in step one but we only talk about any sort of solution in step nine!

The delegates really struggled with this. They kept jumping to the solution before clarifying how they felt about it, or what was at stake, or eliciting the other person’s viewpoint. They also wanted to present the other person with the solution instead of allowing them to make suggestions.

If the problem is ‘solved’ in this manner the opportunity to be aware of alternative perspectives is missed. The other person hasn’t developed any of their own problem solving skills. And very often they are unwilling to change their behaviour to adopt your chosen solution. 

I myself am a solution oriented person. I have had to work very hard at listening, asking appropriate questions and allowing others to find answers for themselves. However the results when I get it right are so exciting. The other person feels so much better about their own abilities, they often come up with amazing ideas and they are far more likely to go ahead and implement those ideas with enthusiasm.

There are of course times when you are in fact responsible for finding a solution, especially in a work environment. Even then the results maybe better if you involve a group of people in the discussion to find a solution. Letting go of the need to always have the solutions can be a big relief.

A possible new approach is:

Does this situation require a solution?

NO - Then I can simply listen with empathy.

OR YES - Then is it really necessary for me to solve it all by myself

   YES - Solve it!

   NO - What questions can I ask? (which will help the other person, or a group of us, to come up with some ideas to explore)

Being happy at work

A recent e-mail from a client ended, “I often asked myself, why can I not be satisfied with what I have achieved, or just see my job as a means to earn my living.” My immediate thought was, “because you wouldn’t be you, and you wouldn’t have achieved the success you have.” The client is a senior manager who has built up a very successful business unit within a large organisation.

Keeping that famous life / work balance is tricky and sometimes the balance comes from two equally unbalanced phases - working flat out - and then taking a complete sabbatical. The headmaster at King Edward V11 school recently did that. He has been head for eight years so took an entire term off to travel through the Kruger and other game parks. Sound inviting?

Although driven people sometimes do question themselves, they for the most part thrive on being driven - on the achievements and on creating something just a little better than last time – it makes them happy. And being driven is not stressful if it fits your personality - a laid back life would quickly become boring for them.

I am reading a book called “Happiness at Work. Maximising your psychological capital for success” by Jessica Pryce-Jones. For years I have ‘preached’ that we can create productive, effective businesses with happy, engaged, fulfilled people working in them. What is great about Jessica’s work is that she and her team have conducted really robust research that proves that people who are happy at work are more productive.

The happiest employees focus on their work 78% of the day compared to the unhappiest who focus on what they need to do for only 53% of the time. That means the happiest people put about 60 extra days of work effort into their year.

A very big, proven key to productivity at work is happiness!

She also states, if you are happy at work you get promoted faster, get more support. generate better & more creative ideas, achieve your goals faster, receive superior reviews, are healthier, and many more ...

The book explores many factors that determine how happy we are at work. I maintain that all leader-managers should be managing in such a way as to make it easier for people to enjoy their day at work (and get the job done!). However the book really focuses on what each of us as individuals can do so as to increase our own happiness at work. My work with past clients didn’t use the same structure as Jessica uses but I have seen many people who were so unhappy that they came to me to explore changing jobs and yet ended up finding themselves becoming happier and deciding to stay where they were!

As an individual are you happy in your work? And if not consider changing that. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

If you are a leader-manager do you know how to manage so that your team are productive and creative, and happy?