The most destructive emotion?

Yesterday I was writing a response to a friend who had just off loaded how she was feeling annoyed with herself for having offered to do something that felt like too big an ask.

As I wrote, “I think that the balance between giving and receiving is a key. And it’s not empirical. It’s just what feels balanced to us,” my mind was running ahead thinking, “when the balance isn't there we feel resentment. And it doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks it is justified or not justified, we are resentful.”

I remembered just the other day reading something by Patrick Lencioni where he said “…(they keep quiet) because they fear jeopardizing a valuable personal relationship. Ironically, this only causes the relationship to deteriorate as team members begin to resent one another …”

Do you know how often resentment comes up in my work? So often when there is a toxic situation, whether it be in a client’s work situation, or personal situation, there is huge resentment.

Resentment comes when we feel unappreciated, disappointed, angry, or hurt. It can result from feeling belittled, being discriminated against, feeling taken advantage of, not being recognised for your good work (and) being criticised for small mistakes, or seeing others repeatedly get away with not pulling their weight. And many other causes, real or perceived.

Whatever the cause resentment can become hugely destructive. It starts off small, going round and round, inside you and then it shows up externally, breaking down communication and cooperation.

Left to fester it starts a downward spiral in the relationship with the one we feel resentful towards. And we begin to disengage from our work, the boss or the colleague; or the client; or the service provider; or our friend; or our spouse.

My heart sinks when I analyse a situation and see resentment that has been building for a long time. It feels like such an uphill battle. There is the original cause, there is the built-up emotions, and there are all the other consequential damages to work on. It takes a lot of coaching and sometimes mediation to repair the damage. And sometimes there just isn’t enough will to ever really get it right.

There is a much easier solution.

Speaking up about what you are feeling and why ……. as soon as possible.

Yes, it feels like it will be a difficult conversation, but it stops a much more difficult situation from developing.

The two things that stop us from having that conversation are usually, not knowing how to go about it skilfully, and all the emotional ‘stuff’ that gets in the way.

A colleague and I have combined our own strengths into a three module live, online programme that gives you the tools for both those parts. You get to learn and practise safely, so you are able to have a difficult conversation with courage.

Courageously having a conversation may result in the other person simply acknowledging where you are coming from; or the two of you finding a different way to do things; or you making some decisions of your own. Any of those outcomes, or others that may follow, are so much better than sitting with the building resentment.

If you would like to know more take a look here http://www.canbeedone.co.za/difficult-conversations/

Hope: from battle lines drawn, to talking together

At 7.30 am my phone rang. It was Selwyn, one of the retired people in the village of Vaal Marina near where I live at the Vaal Dam. “You said you’d help. I need your help now. The Mamello guys have agreed to come to the community hall. I’m waiting to hear if the VM Neighbourhood Watch will come. If they are there at 11 can you facilitate?”

The room we met in contains a huge u-shape of heavy, immovable desks. The two groups positioned themselves on opposite sides. They left the long joining piece empty telling me “you need to be between us”. Their bodies were stiff and the air was tense.

The week before these two groups had been at ‘war’. Mamello is the local informal settlement where the people have waited years for RDP (social) housing with broken promise after broken promise from government. They took out their frustrations on the mostly elderly, mostly white, villagers of Vaal Marina; closing the only entry road, throwing petrol bombs, burning council and private property and threatening people. The villagers responded with armed patrols through the night. And language that makes you wonder if you are back in the battles of the great trek or the cape frontier wars.

On the second day police arrived in a casper (armoured vehicle). An uneasy calm followed with an agreement from the Mamello people to give the local council until Monday to respond. 

That deadline had come and gone. Now the five young, black, mostly male representatives of Mamello faced the six, much older, mostly male VM representatives across the empty opening in the U.

After 30 minutes of creating a safe space, and then an activity to hear each person's perspective on the current situation, it was awesome to see them in three mixed groups animatedly discussing what needs to happen to get the New Mamello housing built!

By the end of the meeting they had one clear list of requirements to take to the local council meeting in two days time, and an agreement that the Mamello people would present it and the VM people would back them up. They’d also decided to meet weekly for a while and thereafter monthly.

In 90 minutes from extremely wary “us and them” to “we can work together to get government to build this housing”. It was amazing. I wish I could have taken photos and video. It was a gift to be given the opportunity to help bring it about.

Selwyn was over the moon. He gave me a big hug saying “Thank you. This was a miracle. I cannot believe the VM people talked.”

Two days later I received this whatsapp message as they were on their way to the council meeting. “Riding in a taxi with I.M. and 10 delegates from Mamello😁😁😁😁👍🏁🏁”.

There is a lot of work still to be done, both groups have many differences. The seeds of trust and cooperation have been planted. It is a first step. A very big step.

As they did a closing exercise the words shared, the smiles on faces, and the body language all spoke of hope.

One of the Mamello people sent this message a bit later “I'm impressed, I think Vaal Marina can show South Africa how rainbow nation can be achieved.”

I believe the only way we can heal our country and move forward to a bright future for everyone is through people talking to each other; breaking barriers and building bridges.

If you would like a similar facilitation for difficult conversations in your workplace or community give me a call or send me a message.