The other day
my daughter described something in her life that sounded like a problem. When
she finished I remained quiet, processing what she’d said. She then went on to
say, “You don’t need to solve it, I just needed to say it.” I was quite
relieved! I had been thinking, “I don’t know what to suggest. What should I
say?”
Her talking
through the issue, and me hearing her, was far more important than her getting
a solution at that point in time. For many of us that is a strange way of
thinking. We are accustomed to going straight into solution mode.
Very often
better solutions would be found if we first allowed more time for people to
express their needs and feelings. We could be more helpful by asking some
questions which focussed their thoughts. And, in giving them the time to think
out loud, they may find their own solution, or just the acceptance of what
is. This applies both at home and at
work.
During a
workshop I was facilitating for managers we practised Fierce Conversations.
These are structured conversations that allow us to confront tough issues with
courage, compassion and skill.
In this ten
step method we name the issue in step one but we only talk about any sort of
solution in step nine!
The delegates
really struggled with this. They kept jumping to the solution before clarifying
how they felt about it, or what was at stake, or eliciting the other person’s
viewpoint. They also wanted to present the other person with the solution
instead of allowing them to make suggestions.
If the problem
is ‘solved’ in this manner the opportunity to be aware of alternative
perspectives is missed. The other person hasn’t developed any of their own
problem solving skills. And very often they are unwilling to change their
behaviour to adopt your chosen solution.
I myself am a
solution oriented person. I have had to work very hard at listening, asking
appropriate questions and allowing others to find answers for themselves. However
the results when I get it right are so exciting. The other person feels so much
better about their own abilities, they often come up with amazing ideas and
they are far more likely to go ahead and implement those ideas with enthusiasm.
There are of
course times when you are in fact responsible for finding a solution,
especially in a work environment. Even then the results maybe better if you
involve a group of people in the discussion to find a solution. Letting go of
the need to always have the solutions can be a big relief.
A possible new approach is:
Does this situation require a solution?
NO - Then I
can simply listen with empathy.
OR YES - Then
is it really necessary for me to solve it all by myself
YES - Solve
it!
NO - What
questions can I ask? (which will help the other person, or a group of us, to
come up with some ideas to explore)
