The Story of the Butterfly

I often tell this story when working with people.
Many find it  helps them to accept that others have their own growth paths to walk - that often we can best help our children, family, friends by being supportive and encouraging but NOT interfering.


A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.

The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.


Thanks to www.motivational-well-being.com for the written version.

An accident? Or intentional action?

Yesterday I was at a conference all day so only heard about the train "accident" in Blackheath on the radio whilst driving back.
Today I have read a number of articles about it on News24. If they have their information correct the taxi driver overtook a number of cars, drove on the wrong side of the road and ignored the barrier at the crossing.
This isn't an accident! It is reckless behaviour with a very high possibility of endangering self and others - which tragically is exactly what happened.

My children sometimes do something like place their glass on the floor while watching TV and then knock it over. They would often then say "Sorry, it was an accident." My response would be "No it isn't. An accident is bumping the glass when it is in the middle of a table. When you put the glass on the floor you made it highly likely that it would get knocked over by you or someone else."

We are far too quick to speak about things being accidental these days. If a young child walks into the road in front of a car it is an accident (and a lack of responsibility on the part of their caregiver). If an adult walks into the road, it is reckless and asking to get knocked over.

If we have the knowledge or experience to know the negative consequences of an action then we are responsible for those consequences, if we continue to take the action. It is not an accident.

This may sound like semantics but I think that at a deeper level we are constantly reducing personal responsibility by referring to bad consequences, that could have been avoided, as accidents.

Hosting Your Life

Part way through the World Cup it became evident that we were going to pull it off, despite the prior doubts we had had. We found we could do more than we thought we were capable of. I thought how similar that is to our personal lives. So often we don’t think we can manage something big or new but if we take the plunge, commit ourselves and get on with it, we are surprised at how well we do. (Apparently “waka waka” means “just do it” in Fang.)


There are many other parallels between observing South Africa host the SWC, and our own lives.


For six years detractors argued that a World Cup hosted here would be a disaster but FIFA and the LOC ignored them. When we follow our dreams there are always those that try to stop us – some are envious, some are trying to protect us – we need to believe in ourselves and make our dream happen regardless.


The World Cup took many years of preparation. We need to be patient and tackle our goals one step at a time whilst keeping an eye on where we want to end up. Eventually we will get there.


Many groups of people were involved in pulling off the World Cup. The LOC were only the coordinators. We can get further if we collaborate with others, let their strengths help us whilst we in turn help them.


Most of the things we worried about ahead of the World Cup – crime, lack of public transport, shortage of accommodation – weren’t a problem. In our lives we waste a lot of energy worrying about things but 96% of them never materialise or we can’t do anything about them anyway!


And then just when you think everything is running smoothly a curved ball hits you like the fiasco at King Shaka airport. And if it does just handle it, keep communicating, be prepared to sincerely say sorry and learn from the lesson. Looking back later it will just be a wobble in your path.


And how about reminding ourselves to stand strong against others who want to direct our lives according to their agenda. It’s a pity the government and the LOC didn’t stand up to FIFA. A pity they changed our laws to allow excessive “protection” for the official sponsors. A pity they let a non African record the official cup anthem. Wouldn’t a recording by Freshly Ground on their own, or maybe Jonny Clegg, have been so much more true to the first African World Cup?


But then even FIFA can’t control everything and Waving Flags became the song which I and many others will always associate with this 2010 World Cup. Some things in our lives “just are” and we help ourselves the most when we accept that and direct our energy into areas where we do have real control or influence.


Here is a lovely collection of slides with music, that bring back the wonderful vibe and emotions of the 2010 World Cup - African style. May they inspire you to go after the life you want, no matter what anyone says - ride out the hitches, stay focussed on the goal, accept what is beyond your control and take control of what is. Be the director of Your Life 2010.

Click here to download - takes a few minutes with acknowledgement to ChadM

Love Language - Acts of Service

Last Sunday morning after breakfast, I heard intermittent noises from outside on the driveway – metal clanging on paving. Having got myself ready to go and fetch my son from a rugby camp I met my husband in the doorway. He had just finished rotating the tyres on my car.



I was surprised as I hadn’t asked him to. He had commented the day before that the front tyres were wearing a little and I’d thought “mental note for to-do list - get tyres sorted”. I thanked him and set off.


As I drove along I thought “Gee, that was so nice of him…. It was thoughtful of him to check them for me (as I rarely remember to look)….. He really cares enough to do all that work, on a hot day, to rotate them……”


When I got back I said thank you again and explained how really touched I was. I can’t recall anyone ever doing that unasked before. And having done it myself, many years ago, I know what a hassle it is.


There are two things that he often volunteers to do specifically because he knows I don’t like doing them - washing the lettuce for salad and putting my car away in the garage.

All these things are acts of service, according to Gary Chapman the author of the Five Love Languages series.


Gary teaches that there are five ways in which we express love:
 Words of affirmation – thank you, you are special, well done, …..
 Physical touch – hug, massage, tickling ….
 Quality time – time doing what they want to do with them ….
 Acts of service - freely helping in anyway…..
 Gifts – large or small…..

One of these is our primary language which is the most important to have fulfilled. Thereafter we can appreciate any of the others.


My primary language is physical touch but I now realise that acts of service comes a close second. My husband's is quality time - the one thing that I find the most difficult to fulfil as I am always on the go.


Years ago when I learnt about the five love languages, identified his, and started making more time to be with him, focussed on him/us I saw him and our relationship blossom before my eyes.


Over the years making time has become easier, more of a natural habit and good for me. It is part of how I began exploring the ability to just ‘be’.

What is your primary love language?
What is your partner’s and each of your children’s language?
What about your parents, siblings and friends?
What can you do to fill their primary love tank?
Have you shared yours with your partner?


A lovely piece of relationship advice from Zig Ziglar ‘s Little Book of Big Quotes
“Your mate doesn’t live by bread alone; he or she needs to be “buttered up” from time to time.”

Here is a link to a quick, fun assessment of your own love language.


Originally written as a BBI in March 2008 - links updated

Music for the soul

I stumbled across this most unusual TED video this morning and played it in the background. What a beautiful interlude.

Natalie Merchant is a free spirit. Listen to the end to see how an artist who is so comfortable with herself handles a techie audience.

Natalie Merchant sings old poems to life